We’re moving tomorrow. I’m terrified I will hate the home we are now locked into, since we actually bought a place. It’s such a huge commitment. I don’t mind when my commitments are movable, like my husband and my kids. We are stuck together, but we can always leave a place; the home means we are stuck. It means I need to fight instead of flee. But I am trying to be hopeful that there will be nothing wrong with it, I mean, we looked carefully and … well, there’s nothing to be done now.
But the thing that has me excited is the amount of light we’ll have in the new place. I firmly believe living in a dungeon with very little natural light is part of what made it so hard for me to keep to a schedule, to wake myself up, to do basically anything. I know I get more lethargic during the winter months, but it was so much more than that this year. I hardly spent any time in the kitchen, and would come up with excuses to avoid it (there were no windows and only an ugly fluorescent bulb, like the really long ones you find in convenient store bathrooms), Our new kitchen has a beautiful large window. And no three-story building to block any of the light! Seriously, I think we got two hours of direct sunlight into our apartment every day, from the side that the kids’ room was on. So, yay for new place with sunlight!
And we’ll be getting an xtracycle so I won’t need to drive everywhere, which was my big stipulation if we were going to move somewhere off-metro. I hate the days I’m stuck in the car. I never get enough steps in, and feel completely worthless. I know that about myself. I actually wonder how many other people would benefit if they could take car-free days. Prior to moving I didn’t even need to take the metro, I just needed to walk. I’d get about 3 miles each day just doing errands and getting the little girl to school. And it made me happy, all that time with the kids walking places. I’ll just need to get used to riding a bike everywhere instead of walking. And probably need to figure out how to take care of it. And then get used to not being able to ride it in the winter. … but we’ll get to that when we do.
Of course, the real question with moving is whether it will jumpstart my routines. Like I said, I’m hoping the sunlight will help with that, but just moving also helps most of the time. It makes me more aware of my habits, which gives me a chance to reconsider most of them. Who can’t appreciate that? And if I can get myself moving a little earlier, I might be able to get myself to draw. That’s really all I need to feel better about myself. It doesn’t need to be good. I remember how long it takes to get good. It’s like when you start running again (d’oh!) after a long absence. It’s painful to remember what you once were capable of and can’t do now, but it’s helpful to know that EVENTUALLY you’ll be back there again. Eventually you’ll be able to do that again. Or, at least, that’s the hope. Who knows what I’ll be capable of once I start. I don’t even know if I can explain why I want to draw. There’s just this need. Not to make money, though I can’t say that would hurt. Not to have people know that I can draw. Not to even show off anything. Just this need. To do it. To get it out. To try to explain what I see in the world. Even if you can see the exact same thing. Like trying to find the other person who sees the eyes of the blue dog. There’s this thing inside of me that if i don’t get it out it will destroy me. And if I can get it out, maybe it will help build me up.
And what is life except an excuse to make beauty and joy to fill the horrible emptiness we all exist in. This space that keeps you from me, that makes us unable to comprehend each other. Why shouldn’t we fill it with the beauty that makes us each unique?
Now I’m just sounding incredibly sappy. … But if I could draw it, it wouldn’t seem so bad.
I’m reading Pippi in the South Seas with the Boy. We found it in one of the Tiny Libraries that have been popping up everywhere. I was afraid that it would be … problematic. I mean, we’ve all read those books that are so strangely racist that you just don’t know what to do with yourself. But I figured I’d be able to think quick on my feet if necessary.
And… well, I completely love it. I wish that I could find the quotation from the book about finding the spunk, right where they began the search, at Villa Villakulla. (And I can’t go upstairs because the kids are just falling asleep, maybe I’ll remember to find out and then edit this.) This theme keeps popping up in my life recently. This idea that, to find what we seek for, we must already possess it. Gretchen Rubin has mentioned it, and it’s been popping up in the books I’ve been reading, like here. And of course, I’m trying to heed the lesson.
But, I don’t believe that the answer is that we shouldn’t go seeking. I don’t believe that we will find the answer by staying in place and seeking within. I think the searching itself is necessary. The returning to where you once were.
You need perspective. And you can’t find perspective where you are.
Forgive me for not being able to explain myself. I need to meet my beeminder goal, so I need to post something, but my allergies are making me insane and like my head is full of sand.
I really can’t blame my inability to do anything on moving next week. I really don’t think that it’s fair, but man, I’m so stressed by the moving, and before that the process of buying a home in an area we really can’t afford a decent home (and yet renting really is just sucking us dry). I’ve accepted the fact that we’re buying a condo away from where I want to live, but that took awhile. I should have posted the journal entry (because I tried to draw every day in a journal and did it maybe twice and then waited a week and then did it three times and then didn’t for a month), I had a nice little illustration of the beautiful blue front door in the new place.
But eventually, after we’ve moved, I want to start living my artistic vision. I’m reading Die Empty, which is good, but focuses on people who already have the creative habits, because they need to, because that is there actual job, as opposed to me. My job is to raise my kids, but I’m dying slowly not having some artistic outlet. And at the same time, I want to take the reins and start moving this… I don’t know.
Anyone look into the POSEC method? It feels like the C could stand for create for me, but then it pushes it back to the ends of my day, which is really my current issue. I need to get stuff done, household, mommy-type stuff, but i only have so much energy. And I really want to do BOTH things… Bah!
We closed on our condo today! We’re homeowners! And now I just need to work harder at starting habits that will force me to draw and do the things that I want to do. Accomplish things. Yay!