Rattling in my brain, the day before we move

We’re moving tomorrow. I’m terrified I will hate the home we are now locked into, since we actually bought a place. It’s such a huge commitment. I don’t mind when my commitments are movable, like my husband and my kids. We are stuck together, but we can always leave a place; the home means we are stuck. It means I need to fight instead of flee. But I am trying to be hopeful that there will be nothing wrong with it, I mean, we looked carefully and … well, there’s nothing to be done now.

But the thing that has me excited is the amount of light we’ll have in the new place. I firmly believe living in a dungeon with very little natural light is part of what made it so hard for me to keep to a schedule, to wake myself up, to do basically anything. I know I get more lethargic during the winter months, but it was so much more than that this year. I hardly spent any time in the kitchen, and would come up with excuses to avoid it (there were no windows and only an ugly fluorescent bulb, like the really long ones you find in convenient store bathrooms), Our new kitchen has a beautiful large window. And no three-story building to block any of the light! Seriously, I think we got two hours of direct sunlight into our apartment every day, from the side that the kids’ room was on. So, yay for new place with sunlight!

And we’ll be getting an xtracycle so I won’t need to drive everywhere, which was my big stipulation if we were going to move somewhere off-metro. I hate the days I’m stuck in the car. I never get enough steps in, and feel completely worthless. I know that about myself. I actually wonder how many other people would benefit if they could take car-free days. Prior to moving I didn’t even need to take the metro, I just needed to walk. I’d get about 3 miles each day just doing errands and getting the little girl to school. And it made me happy, all that time with the kids walking places. I’ll just need to get used to riding a bike everywhere instead of walking. And probably need to figure out how to take care of it. And then get used to not being able to ride it in the winter. … but we’ll get to that when we do.

Of course, the real question with moving is whether it will jumpstart my routines. Like I said, I’m hoping the sunlight will help with that, but just moving also helps most of the time. It makes me more aware of my habits, which gives me a chance to reconsider most of them. Who can’t appreciate that? And if I can get myself moving a little earlier, I might be able to get myself to draw. That’s really all I need to feel better about myself. It doesn’t need to be good. I remember how long it takes to get good. It’s like when you start running again (d’oh!) after a long absence. It’s painful to remember what you once were capable of and can’t do now, but it’s helpful to know that EVENTUALLY you’ll be back there again. Eventually you’ll be able to do that again. Or, at least, that’s the hope. Who knows what I’ll be capable of once I start. I don’t even know if I can explain why I want to draw. There’s just this need. Not to make money, though I can’t say that would hurt. Not to have people know that I can draw. Not to even show off anything. Just this need. To do it. To get it out. To try to explain what I see in the world. Even if you can see the exact same thing. Like trying to find the other person who sees the eyes of the blue dog. There’s this thing inside of me that if i don’t get it out it will destroy me. And if I can get it out, maybe it will help build me up.

And what is life except an excuse to make beauty and joy to fill the horrible emptiness we all exist in. This space that keeps you from me, that makes us unable to comprehend each other. Why shouldn’t we fill it with the beauty that makes us each unique?

Now I’m just sounding incredibly sappy. … But if I could draw it, it wouldn’t seem so bad.

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