Okay, seriously, I love it when people use “mic” instead of “mike” for microphone.
I have been doing a HORRID job attempting to draw every day. I haven’t drawn more than once or twice since moving. Of course, the fact that I still have boxes in my living room and bedroom really puts a damper on any creative impulse I have. And it depresses me and I end up staying up too late.
Moving was so much easier when kids took naps. And when I was walking instead of driving everywhere. God, I hate driving.
Anyway. I’m seriously looking for motivation. But not actually taking the advice.
We’re moving tomorrow. I’m terrified I will hate the home we are now locked into, since we actually bought a place. It’s such a huge commitment. I don’t mind when my commitments are movable, like my husband and my kids. We are stuck together, but we can always leave a place; the home means we are stuck. It means I need to fight instead of flee. But I am trying to be hopeful that there will be nothing wrong with it, I mean, we looked carefully and … well, there’s nothing to be done now.
But the thing that has me excited is the amount of light we’ll have in the new place. I firmly believe living in a dungeon with very little natural light is part of what made it so hard for me to keep to a schedule, to wake myself up, to do basically anything. I know I get more lethargic during the winter months, but it was so much more than that this year. I hardly spent any time in the kitchen, and would come up with excuses to avoid it (there were no windows and only an ugly fluorescent bulb, like the really long ones you find in convenient store bathrooms), Our new kitchen has a beautiful large window. And no three-story building to block any of the light! Seriously, I think we got two hours of direct sunlight into our apartment every day, from the side that the kids’ room was on. So, yay for new place with sunlight!
And we’ll be getting an xtracycle so I won’t need to drive everywhere, which was my big stipulation if we were going to move somewhere off-metro. I hate the days I’m stuck in the car. I never get enough steps in, and feel completely worthless. I know that about myself. I actually wonder how many other people would benefit if they could take car-free days. Prior to moving I didn’t even need to take the metro, I just needed to walk. I’d get about 3 miles each day just doing errands and getting the little girl to school. And it made me happy, all that time with the kids walking places. I’ll just need to get used to riding a bike everywhere instead of walking. And probably need to figure out how to take care of it. And then get used to not being able to ride it in the winter. … but we’ll get to that when we do.
Of course, the real question with moving is whether it will jumpstart my routines. Like I said, I’m hoping the sunlight will help with that, but just moving also helps most of the time. It makes me more aware of my habits, which gives me a chance to reconsider most of them. Who can’t appreciate that? And if I can get myself moving a little earlier, I might be able to get myself to draw. That’s really all I need to feel better about myself. It doesn’t need to be good. I remember how long it takes to get good. It’s like when you start running again (d’oh!) after a long absence. It’s painful to remember what you once were capable of and can’t do now, but it’s helpful to know that EVENTUALLY you’ll be back there again. Eventually you’ll be able to do that again. Or, at least, that’s the hope. Who knows what I’ll be capable of once I start. I don’t even know if I can explain why I want to draw. There’s just this need. Not to make money, though I can’t say that would hurt. Not to have people know that I can draw. Not to even show off anything. Just this need. To do it. To get it out. To try to explain what I see in the world. Even if you can see the exact same thing. Like trying to find the other person who sees the eyes of the blue dog. There’s this thing inside of me that if i don’t get it out it will destroy me. And if I can get it out, maybe it will help build me up.
And what is life except an excuse to make beauty and joy to fill the horrible emptiness we all exist in. This space that keeps you from me, that makes us unable to comprehend each other. Why shouldn’t we fill it with the beauty that makes us each unique?
Now I’m just sounding incredibly sappy. … But if I could draw it, it wouldn’t seem so bad.
I really once had a bit of talent. Something that made my art teachers in both high school and college try to convince me to go into an artistic field. But talent is nothing. It only starts you out in a forward starting block, hard work can make people go so much further.
And now all that talent has atrophied. Like the weeks I’ve spent sitting on the couch instead of running, I have lost ability. And that makes it even harder to get off the couch or pick up a pen. But I need to do it. Because … actually, I have yet to figure out why I need to, except that I NEED to. It is missing in my life. It is something that I really need to do and not doing it is making me feel like I am missing something very important.
So, for the next week I will be putting crappy drawings up on my tumblr page. That’s a promise. They will be bad. They will be terrible. You will not like them. But I am not doing this for you. I’m not even sure I’m doing this for me. I’m doing this for whatever force gave me the need to create.
I’m moving my dailies over to tumblr. And I don’t know what I’m going to do here, but it depresses me to look at stuff I don’t take a long time on here.
I’m still not sure what I want to do. I just know that I want to have a larger vision than a daily 30 minute watercolor. It’s hard to know what to do when you don’t know where you want to go. I’m hoping to get that figured out soon. Since the kids will be starting school next week (kindergarten! How has my little boy gotten so big?), I’m expecting a little less hectic all day long.
I love my kids, I do, but I hate how my body and mind aren’t my own when they’re around.