Cringe

I need to write a post for my beeminder goal. You’d think I’d be embarrassed to write a stupid post like this. But I’m not. Maybe in a year I will be and I’ll delete it. But, honestly, what I really need to do is set up a time where I sit and write, and this is here. This time. Right now.

I’m failing at setting up my schedules and routines at this new place. And I cry nearly every time I’m in the car. Okay, not that much, but for some reason, when I’m sad, it’s much harder not to start crying in the car. I don’t understand why the car is my kryptonite.

Bah! Okay, maybe I’m a little embarrassed to post this.

Boost in the pants? Boot in the pants.

Okay, seriously, I love it when people use “mic” instead of “mike” for microphone.

I have been doing a HORRID job attempting to draw every day. I haven’t drawn more than once or twice since moving. Of course, the fact that I still have boxes in my living room and bedroom really puts a damper on any creative impulse I have. And it depresses me and I end up staying up too late.

Moving was so much easier when kids took naps. And when I was walking instead of driving everywhere. God, I hate driving.

Anyway. I’m seriously looking for motivation. But not actually taking the advice.

Boo.

Another reason to focus on the joy

When my husband came to the condo for the last walkthru he met the downstairs neighbor. Without so much as welcoming us to the neighborhood she told him he better had carpeting down. Then she asked if we had a dog and when he said not YET, told him that if it barked all the time we would have issues. She CROOKED her finger for him to come talk to her when she wanted to yell at us about the kids drawing with chalk on OUR steps. And all within the week since we moved in, without once saying hi to me. Super awesome.

And then I find out that she’s been telling other neighbors that we are “awful.”

She hasn’t even met me.

And of course that set me off. I want to not let people get to me, but I’m constantly on the verge of crying. I take everything personally. I’m working on it. …of course, I think she’s taking everything we’re doing to just live our life personally, but whatever. I’m pissed that she’s telling people we haven’t met that we’re awful. Even when I was pissed about our last upstairs neighbors I recognized that they were good people only trying to live their lives. I asked them to their faces to help us out.

I am good people. I have put all of the kids toys upstairs so that they won’t be making a whole lot of noise right above her. We are using the EXACT same rugs the old owners used. I tell the kids constantly that they can’t be running around the way they want to (which is really hard to do, I believe kids should be able to have the run of their own homes). We are good neighbors. We will shovel other neighbors driveways. I stopped a burglary at our last condo. I go out of my way for people who are nice to me. But seriously, being as awful as she is, I’m ready to stop caring. I’m ready to let my kids do whatever they want jumping on and off furniture.

Which really only goes to show that if you want people to be nice and considerate, you shouldn’t treat them like bad waiters and talk about them behind their backs. Especially if you haven’t been aware of their existence for more than a week.

Rattling in my brain, the day before we move

We’re moving tomorrow. I’m terrified I will hate the home we are now locked into, since we actually bought a place. It’s such a huge commitment. I don’t mind when my commitments are movable, like my husband and my kids. We are stuck together, but we can always leave a place; the home means we are stuck. It means I need to fight instead of flee. But I am trying to be hopeful that there will be nothing wrong with it, I mean, we looked carefully and … well, there’s nothing to be done now.

But the thing that has me excited is the amount of light we’ll have in the new place. I firmly believe living in a dungeon with very little natural light is part of what made it so hard for me to keep to a schedule, to wake myself up, to do basically anything. I know I get more lethargic during the winter months, but it was so much more than that this year. I hardly spent any time in the kitchen, and would come up with excuses to avoid it (there were no windows and only an ugly fluorescent bulb, like the really long ones you find in convenient store bathrooms), Our new kitchen has a beautiful large window. And no three-story building to block any of the light! Seriously, I think we got two hours of direct sunlight into our apartment every day, from the side that the kids’ room was on. So, yay for new place with sunlight!

And we’ll be getting an xtracycle so I won’t need to drive everywhere, which was my big stipulation if we were going to move somewhere off-metro. I hate the days I’m stuck in the car. I never get enough steps in, and feel completely worthless. I know that about myself. I actually wonder how many other people would benefit if they could take car-free days. Prior to moving I didn’t even need to take the metro, I just needed to walk. I’d get about 3 miles each day just doing errands and getting the little girl to school. And it made me happy, all that time with the kids walking places. I’ll just need to get used to riding a bike everywhere instead of walking. And probably need to figure out how to take care of it. And then get used to not being able to ride it in the winter. … but we’ll get to that when we do.

Of course, the real question with moving is whether it will jumpstart my routines. Like I said, I’m hoping the sunlight will help with that, but just moving also helps most of the time. It makes me more aware of my habits, which gives me a chance to reconsider most of them. Who can’t appreciate that? And if I can get myself moving a little earlier, I might be able to get myself to draw. That’s really all I need to feel better about myself. It doesn’t need to be good. I remember how long it takes to get good. It’s like when you start running again (d’oh!) after a long absence. It’s painful to remember what you once were capable of and can’t do now, but it’s helpful to know that EVENTUALLY you’ll be back there again. Eventually you’ll be able to do that again. Or, at least, that’s the hope. Who knows what I’ll be capable of once I start. I don’t even know if I can explain why I want to draw. There’s just this need. Not to make money, though I can’t say that would hurt. Not to have people know that I can draw. Not to even show off anything. Just this need. To do it. To get it out. To try to explain what I see in the world. Even if you can see the exact same thing. Like trying to find the other person who sees the eyes of the blue dog. There’s this thing inside of me that if i don’t get it out it will destroy me. And if I can get it out, maybe it will help build me up.

And what is life except an excuse to make beauty and joy to fill the horrible emptiness we all exist in. This space that keeps you from me, that makes us unable to comprehend each other. Why shouldn’t we fill it with the beauty that makes us each unique?

Now I’m just sounding incredibly sappy. … But if I could draw it, it wouldn’t seem so bad.

Searching for Spink

I’m reading Pippi in the South Seas with the Boy. We found it in one of the Tiny Libraries that have been popping up everywhere. I was afraid that it would be … problematic. I mean, we’ve all read those books that are so strangely racist that you just don’t know what to do with yourself. But I figured I’d be able to think quick on my feet if necessary.

And… well, I completely love it. I wish that I could find the quotation from the book about finding the spunk, right where they began the search, at Villa Villakulla. (And I can’t go upstairs because the kids are just falling asleep, maybe I’ll remember to find out and then edit this.) This theme keeps popping up in my life recently. This idea that, to find what we seek for, we must already possess it. Gretchen Rubin has mentioned it, and it’s been popping up in the books I’ve been reading, like here. And of course, I’m trying to heed the lesson.

But, I don’t believe that the answer is that we shouldn’t go seeking. I don’t believe that we will find the answer by staying in place and seeking within. I think the searching itself is necessary. The returning to where you once were.

You need perspective. And you can’t find perspective where you are.

Forgive me for not being able to explain myself. I need to meet my beeminder goal, so I need to post something, but my allergies are making me insane and like my head is full of sand.

Seriously, there’s no excuse

I really can’t blame my inability to do anything on moving next week. I really don’t think that it’s fair, but man, I’m so stressed by the moving, and before that the process of buying a home in an area we really can’t afford a decent home (and yet renting really is just sucking us dry). I’ve accepted the fact that we’re buying a condo away from where I want to live, but that took awhile. I should have posted the journal entry (because I tried to draw every day in a journal and did it maybe twice and then waited a week and then did it three times and then didn’t for a month), I had a nice little illustration of the beautiful blue front door in the new place.

But eventually, after we’ve moved, I want to start living my artistic vision. I’m reading Die Empty, which is good, but focuses on people who already have the creative habits, because they need to, because that is there actual job, as opposed to me. My job is to raise my kids, but I’m dying slowly not having some artistic outlet. And at the same time, I want to take the reins and start moving this… I don’t know.

Anyone look into the POSEC method? It feels like the C could stand for create for me, but then it pushes it back to the ends of my day, which is really my current issue. I need to get stuff done, household, mommy-type stuff, but i only have so much energy. And I really want to do BOTH things… Bah!

Closed!

We closed on our condo today! We’re homeowners! And now I just need to work harder at starting habits that will force me to draw and do the things that I want to do. Accomplish things. Yay!

My love language

I tell my kids that they can one hundred percent know, without any doubt, that I love them more than anything in the world…

because I let them put their freezing cold hands on my belly to warm them up.

The One Compatibility Test No One Talks About

I like to keep the temperature of my home really low in the winter and really high in the summer. My husband wants it always within 5 degrees of 70ºF. I find that ridiculous. I’ll change it when we have guests, or if I know I’ll be home all day, but generally I’ve got a 10º gap. It makes it easier to leave the house and not feel gross. And I like being cozy in a sweater … or three. Today it’s really really cold here, though. And we’re at home all day, which means that it’s just miserable to keep it as low as I like it, and I’ve turned it up, but most days we have a disagreement about where the thermostat should be set.

And, no, I don’t mean that the temperature you like a room at should be something you take into account. More, how uncomfortable will you allow yourself to be on a daily basis?

I dated a guy who kept his temperature at 75º in the winter and 62º in the summer. It made me extremely uncomfortable. Not because it wasn’t WONDERFUL to walk into his apartment, but because it felt so decadent. It was more than I deserved … no, that’s not what I mean. I mean that it wasn’t something I would ever pay for. And he hated that I wouldn’t change my apartment’s temperature for him.

It’s the same with the amount I walk. I have only twice ever gotten a cab for myself, and I would walk quite some distance to avoid a bus. Of course, I really like to walk. But I also just don’t see the need in comfort for comfort’s sake.

And it isn’t just a monetary issue. I mean, I’ll treat myself to expensive things, but not these.

There must be a better way to explain this. I really don’t mean being frugal. … Ugh. Maybe I’ll think of something in an hour and change this. Maybe you have a better idea?

Disrobe

I have been thinking a lot recently about little things I do that keep me from reverting back to the depressive state I feel like I lived so much of my life in. And one of those little things is to get naked every day. And I keep thinking, well, that just sounds ridiculous. I mean, who would believe me if I told them that being naked for a few minutes a day helps me stay normal.

And then, reading through the backlog of blogs I like to read I came across <a href=”http://modernmrsdarcy.com/2015/01/4-minutes-nude/”>The Modern Mrs. Darcy’s discussion of putting on lotion</a>, and while she’s talking about getting nude to put on lotion, it still made me feel like I wasn’t as crazy.

In the cold I try so hard to be warm all the time, and I get lazy. I can’t be the only person who starts re-wearing clothes just so that I don’t need to spend time figuring out what to wear, because otherwise I’d turn my back on the day and lie back in bed. Or maybe I am?

But if I get up, have my water, and then force myself to get undressed in the bathroom to weigh myself, well, I can’t do that. And I’ll put on lotion, but more it forces me to strip myself of yesterday and last night. It’s a feeling of renewal and care. And maybe that isn’t as crazy as it’s been sounding lately. And if it is, maybe it doesn’t matter all that much, because I know that it’s been helping me. And it’s one little thing I can check off my mental to-do list. (No, I don’t write “get naked” into Omnifocus.)

So, if you’re feeling a little blue and the winter is getting to you, maybe you could start with getting up and getting naked, putting on clean clothes.

Or maybe I’m the only one who finds that depression makes me where the same clothes for weeks at a time.