Tag Archives: the sadness

Boost in the pants? Boot in the pants.

Okay, seriously, I love it when people use “mic” instead of “mike” for microphone.

I have been doing a HORRID job attempting to draw every day. I haven’t drawn more than once or twice since moving. Of course, the fact that I still have boxes in my living room and bedroom really puts a damper on any creative impulse I have. And it depresses me and I end up staying up too late.

Moving was so much easier when kids took naps. And when I was walking instead of driving everywhere. God, I hate driving.

Anyway. I’m seriously looking for motivation. But not actually taking the advice.

Boo.

Another reason to focus on the joy

When my husband came to the condo for the last walkthru he met the downstairs neighbor. Without so much as welcoming us to the neighborhood she told him he better had carpeting down. Then she asked if we had a dog and when he said not YET, told him that if it barked all the time we would have issues. She CROOKED her finger for him to come talk to her when she wanted to yell at us about the kids drawing with chalk on OUR steps. And all within the week since we moved in, without once saying hi to me. Super awesome.

And then I find out that she’s been telling other neighbors that we are “awful.”

She hasn’t even met me.

And of course that set me off. I want to not let people get to me, but I’m constantly on the verge of crying. I take everything personally. I’m working on it. …of course, I think she’s taking everything we’re doing to just live our life personally, but whatever. I’m pissed that she’s telling people we haven’t met that we’re awful. Even when I was pissed about our last upstairs neighbors I recognized that they were good people only trying to live their lives. I asked them to their faces to help us out.

I am good people. I have put all of the kids toys upstairs so that they won’t be making a whole lot of noise right above her. We are using the EXACT same rugs the old owners used. I tell the kids constantly that they can’t be running around the way they want to (which is really hard to do, I believe kids should be able to have the run of their own homes). We are good neighbors. We will shovel other neighbors driveways. I stopped a burglary at our last condo. I go out of my way for people who are nice to me. But seriously, being as awful as she is, I’m ready to stop caring. I’m ready to let my kids do whatever they want jumping on and off furniture.

Which really only goes to show that if you want people to be nice and considerate, you shouldn’t treat them like bad waiters and talk about them behind their backs. Especially if you haven’t been aware of their existence for more than a week.

Rattling in my brain, the day before we move

We’re moving tomorrow. I’m terrified I will hate the home we are now locked into, since we actually bought a place. It’s such a huge commitment. I don’t mind when my commitments are movable, like my husband and my kids. We are stuck together, but we can always leave a place; the home means we are stuck. It means I need to fight instead of flee. But I am trying to be hopeful that there will be nothing wrong with it, I mean, we looked carefully and … well, there’s nothing to be done now.

But the thing that has me excited is the amount of light we’ll have in the new place. I firmly believe living in a dungeon with very little natural light is part of what made it so hard for me to keep to a schedule, to wake myself up, to do basically anything. I know I get more lethargic during the winter months, but it was so much more than that this year. I hardly spent any time in the kitchen, and would come up with excuses to avoid it (there were no windows and only an ugly fluorescent bulb, like the really long ones you find in convenient store bathrooms), Our new kitchen has a beautiful large window. And no three-story building to block any of the light! Seriously, I think we got two hours of direct sunlight into our apartment every day, from the side that the kids’ room was on. So, yay for new place with sunlight!

And we’ll be getting an xtracycle so I won’t need to drive everywhere, which was my big stipulation if we were going to move somewhere off-metro. I hate the days I’m stuck in the car. I never get enough steps in, and feel completely worthless. I know that about myself. I actually wonder how many other people would benefit if they could take car-free days. Prior to moving I didn’t even need to take the metro, I just needed to walk. I’d get about 3 miles each day just doing errands and getting the little girl to school. And it made me happy, all that time with the kids walking places. I’ll just need to get used to riding a bike everywhere instead of walking. And probably need to figure out how to take care of it. And then get used to not being able to ride it in the winter. … but we’ll get to that when we do.

Of course, the real question with moving is whether it will jumpstart my routines. Like I said, I’m hoping the sunlight will help with that, but just moving also helps most of the time. It makes me more aware of my habits, which gives me a chance to reconsider most of them. Who can’t appreciate that? And if I can get myself moving a little earlier, I might be able to get myself to draw. That’s really all I need to feel better about myself. It doesn’t need to be good. I remember how long it takes to get good. It’s like when you start running again (d’oh!) after a long absence. It’s painful to remember what you once were capable of and can’t do now, but it’s helpful to know that EVENTUALLY you’ll be back there again. Eventually you’ll be able to do that again. Or, at least, that’s the hope. Who knows what I’ll be capable of once I start. I don’t even know if I can explain why I want to draw. There’s just this need. Not to make money, though I can’t say that would hurt. Not to have people know that I can draw. Not to even show off anything. Just this need. To do it. To get it out. To try to explain what I see in the world. Even if you can see the exact same thing. Like trying to find the other person who sees the eyes of the blue dog. There’s this thing inside of me that if i don’t get it out it will destroy me. And if I can get it out, maybe it will help build me up.

And what is life except an excuse to make beauty and joy to fill the horrible emptiness we all exist in. This space that keeps you from me, that makes us unable to comprehend each other. Why shouldn’t we fill it with the beauty that makes us each unique?

Now I’m just sounding incredibly sappy. … But if I could draw it, it wouldn’t seem so bad.

Disrobe

I have been thinking a lot recently about little things I do that keep me from reverting back to the depressive state I feel like I lived so much of my life in. And one of those little things is to get naked every day. And I keep thinking, well, that just sounds ridiculous. I mean, who would believe me if I told them that being naked for a few minutes a day helps me stay normal.

And then, reading through the backlog of blogs I like to read I came across <a href=”http://modernmrsdarcy.com/2015/01/4-minutes-nude/”>The Modern Mrs. Darcy’s discussion of putting on lotion</a>, and while she’s talking about getting nude to put on lotion, it still made me feel like I wasn’t as crazy.

In the cold I try so hard to be warm all the time, and I get lazy. I can’t be the only person who starts re-wearing clothes just so that I don’t need to spend time figuring out what to wear, because otherwise I’d turn my back on the day and lie back in bed. Or maybe I am?

But if I get up, have my water, and then force myself to get undressed in the bathroom to weigh myself, well, I can’t do that. And I’ll put on lotion, but more it forces me to strip myself of yesterday and last night. It’s a feeling of renewal and care. And maybe that isn’t as crazy as it’s been sounding lately. And if it is, maybe it doesn’t matter all that much, because I know that it’s been helping me. And it’s one little thing I can check off my mental to-do list. (No, I don’t write “get naked” into Omnifocus.)

So, if you’re feeling a little blue and the winter is getting to you, maybe you could start with getting up and getting naked, putting on clean clothes.

Or maybe I’m the only one who finds that depression makes me where the same clothes for weeks at a time.